"Uncle Bill" is in the Driver's Seat!

Redmond, WA—Marketing reps from Microsoft Corporation today announced their new line of high-value sedans—yes, we mean automobiles! Said Gates: “We feel that consumers are confused by the great variety of vehicles out there. Every company offers their own proprietary version of your basic sedan, but there's no standard.”

Microsoft aims to define that standard with their new "Redmond" sedan.

Here's just a quick tour of some of the state-of-the-art features that will make this the best set of wheels you'll ever drive:

• Room for up to six passengers (although the current version only allows one occupant while the car is in motion. Microsoft claims that this will provide greater security for the passenger and vows to look into a true multi-passenger model).
• Free car phone! The “Redmond” includes a SONY™ model TCP-93. This model only allows dialing out, so you'll have to purchase another phone if you wish to receive calls or communicate with other satisfied “Redmond” owners. Microsoft expects that many third-party vendors will be glad to provide this added value.
• Revolutionary cache strategy allowed Microsoft to design the “Redmond” with just 3 wheels instead of one. Just imagine the savings in tire-replacement!
• No speedometer, odometer, or gas-gauge. Microsoft feels that it can deliver a higher-quality product by leaving off these frills in the initial offering. This could also provide jobs for unemployed but enterprising auto workers who wish to provide this product to you.
• An early prototype of the “Redmond” (code-named “Pong”) had the obvious disadvantage of only supporting left turns. The production-ready “Redmond” instead offers control-preserving but control-insensitive steering. The steering column and directional signals allow you to signal and turn in either direction, and while the car “remembers” the direction you turned, it translates this into a left turn automatically. Great news for people who always confuse left and right, and Microsoft provides a complimentary map of your town to aid you in finding paths that only include left turns.
• Should you be so old-fashioned as to not want to use some of these amazing new features, Microsoft again dazzles the critics by providing the “AmeriDrive” console. This console allows you to drive the “Redmond” as you would any other American car. The console supports the only available standards document (1.7b), so some minor features such as acceleration, steering, and braking are not fully supported. Microsoft fully stands behind AmeriDrive and maintains that it is “not just a check-box.”

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